Well at the time it did not but in telling the story after I realized this was funny stuff! Rita Kaya (my wife) Mark Ritter and myself all embark on a road trip to Chai town for the 2006 Jr. Nationals. The trip in Mark’s H2 was completely uneventful. Besides all of us getting looks all tanned up weighing ourselves at every stop we made. It took us a little over 4 hours from Cincinnati to get to the Dan Ryan circle freeway that runs around Chicago…. And this is actually where the story begins.
As we merge onto the Dan Ryan it is about 5:30pm. The traffic in both directions is backed up as far as we can see. No big deal as we have plenty of time to make weigh-ins. I need to mention here at this point I have not ate or drank anything since 10:00pm the day before because I was way over 198.25 and I did not want to be at the bottom of the heavies. So with that you can probably guess I am a bit on edge to start with. So here we are creeping so slow I cannot take my foot off the brake as idle speed is to fast. I am very concerned after an hour of this and we have gone only 5 miles that we are going to miss weigh-ins. I see a sign that says “Stuck in traffic? We can help you out call 1-800-blah blah blah” So I do! I was like cool! I get a voice on the other end that has such a strong Arabic accent I cannot understand hardly a word. This is adding to my agitation greatly! Finally I can understand that he does not think he can help me after 10 min of irritating back and forth “excuse em’s”
That’s when I hear from the backseat Rita saying, “this is the worst fucking traffic jam I have ever been in my life! The significance of this is #1 Rita is over 50 years old and more importantly #2 she is from LA!!!! The problem with the freeway is they are doing construction on the ENTIRE freeway at once! Both directions! I was like OMG!
So I call my hotel and see if they can help. They inform me now that I am going the wrong way! I freaked out! Bad Map Quest directions…again! I am a very collected mellow person but that was it! I jump off the Dan Ryan and now I am in South Side Chicago…in an H2…. tanned. I am not sure if you all know about south side in Chicago but it is not a good place for outsiders to be. At this point it could have been in an Afghanistan war zone and I would have been out of the vehicle trying to find out where the hell I need to go!
So I walk into a BP and here is the picture! There is this HUGE black man arguing with this tiny little Pakistani man behind 2 inch thick glass. After a few seconds I surmise that he wants a candy bar but he wants to pay for it tomorrow! The man behind the glass is not having it. I call this the “Wimpy Syndrome” “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today!” After 2 min I had all I can take and I shout out “alright, listen here! I do not have time for all this bullshit! I need to get over by Chicago O’Hare Airport and I need to be there now!” Silence washed over the establishment! I ask the Pakistani man how to get to the airport and he shrugs. I say, “Do you live here?” he says, “yes” and I say, “And you don’t know where the 3rd biggest airport in the USA is…you flew into when you came here probably!” And I leave. While I was in the store a couple came up to Rita in the H2 and asked if I was her man in the store and that they were worried I was going to be killed! About that time I come out and we head down to a Citago.
On my way in a drunk black dude who reminded me exactly of the homeless dude played by Damon Waynes on In Living Color asks me if I have “fiddy cents” I yell out “NO!” and go into the store. Here is another dude behind 2inch thick glass and I know damn good and well he cannot help me but I ask anyway…he does not know either. As I exit the store the drunk black dude grabs my arm and says “you come out here and these muther fucas will help you out!” I think that’s what he said. So he takes me out to these to guys one is dressed in White Sox garb and the other all Bulls garb. He begins to tell them my dilemma…unintelligibly! They tell him to go up against the wall! They then proceed to get me right where I needed to go. They were very awesome dudes who actually knew the city they lived in! On my way back to the H2 I gave the drunk dude $2 for helping me out. He was a happy camper!
So we arrive at the Rosemont Hyatt! YAY! Men weigh in first so I had Rita park the H2. I grab my trunks and make for the building. Mark changed in the back of the H2 so he goes into the weigh in and I head to the bathroom. I walk up to the scale as Mark steps off. I get ready to step on the scale and this huge bastard that was weighing us in says, “Stop, I can’t weigh you in now.” I start to self-destruct! I said to him “look man, I just spent 2.5 hours going 20 miles! I had bad directions from Map Quest! I have not eaten or drank anything in almost 24 hors and if you don’t weigh me in tonight I am going to lose it right in the middle of this fucking weigh in!” He is laughing so hard at me he cannot speak! He has his hand on my shoulder but every time he looks at my face he cracks up! He finally says, “I will weigh you in tonight, but I have to get to the women first the Judges are making me.” I sad “oh, okay.” This cracked him up also! So the final outcome was I made weight and had a big assed cheeseburger to start my loading process!
One thing about Bodybuilding, even the trip to the show can be quite the undertaking!
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